I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
