I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
