Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
