btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
