i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
