Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
