I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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