If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
