She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
