Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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