Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
