God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I didn't notice because vodka
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
