just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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