Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
