I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
