I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
