wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
