I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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