She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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