I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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