It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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