theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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