no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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