I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You ruined the universe
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
