no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
