Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
