It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
