So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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