he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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