i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
too bad you live with your parents still
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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