Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
