I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
