Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
