I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
