if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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