oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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