Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
