i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize