i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
