Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
