i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
