I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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