Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
