Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
