She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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