Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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