He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
