K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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