I accidentally had phone sex last night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
