You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
