Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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