Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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