you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
