yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
