I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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