cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
